Navigating the Holidays with In-Laws

When it comes to the holidays with my in-laws, let me just say: I have earned every gray hair. But somewhere between year one and year fifteen, I managed to figure out a few things that help keep the peace and create a genuinely enjoyable holiday for my kids. Think of this as a starter guide—because trust me, I’m still learning, still adjusting, and still calling my therapist.

Now, before we go any further, let me acknowledge something important: all families are different. And some families are not just “a lot”—they’re genuinely toxic. If you and your therapist have already decided that skipping the family holiday circuit is the best choice… sis, I am not here to change your mind. Protect. Your. Peace.

But if your in-laws are simply annoying, chaotic, or they do things in ways that make your eye twitch… it might be time to gently consider whether you might be part of the problem. I say this with love—and full self-awareness—because in the beginning? Oh, I was absolutely the problem.

Picture me, year one: offended because my mother “owned” every holiday. Down to the table settings. Down to the menu. Down to how we took family photos. Yes, these were real arguments. Yes, I was really out here fighting over polishing silverware.

By around year ten, I surrendered. I simply declared, “My mother owns all the holidays,” bought an expensive bottle of champagne, and decided to sit back and observe like I was watching live theater.

And what I noticed changed everything.

All three of her boys keep coming home for Thanksgiving—every single year. And in her week-long frenzy of cooking and prepping, she never created a perfect home… but she created the warmest one. A home where the oven is on for 12 hours straight, old Christmas music crackles from a cassette player, and she’s somehow keeping conversation flowing while waving a knife or spatula at someone. A home where everyone gets to cook their favorite dish, but she still makes sure breakfast and snacks magically appear when they wake up.

One year, she told me that her mother-in-law owned Christmas too—and that they always traveled to her mom’s house for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t until she was in her fifties that she got her turn to host holidays her way.

So now that I’ve accepted that I do not own any of the “official” holidays (yet), I’ve started building traditions on the days she doesn’t care about. That way, when it eventually becomes my turn, I won’t be scrambling to create traditions from scratch.

Here are a few of our holiday traditions we’ve started—let’s see how long they survive:

• We get a real Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and start decorating immediately.
• We pick out matching Christmas pajamas every year and wear them to watch holiday movies.
• We host a holiday craft party with friends—there is always soup involved because I am who I am.
• We bake cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve and cook together as a family.
• On Christmas morning, the kids can wake up as early as they want to open presents. We always have batteries on hand… and coffee. Lots of coffee.

I’m sure we’ll add new traditions and quietly retire others as the years go on. That’s the beauty of it.

But maybe—just maybe—this entire message boils down to one truth: sometimes you just have to give up the holiday fight. Let your mom, your mother-in-law, or your bossy older sister have it. Pour yourself a drink (or don’t—that’s your business), sit back, and enjoy the show. Sometimes peace looks like letting someone else run the circus.

Always Have, Always Will ~ Kalie